The Jack Benny Program: The Wizard of Oz Wash Day
by BooberFan
Summary: This is a fan fiction/ script about the Jack Benny Program and covers Jack's wash day, his cheapness and black eyes among other things. Fred Allen guest-stars.


To start off, some Jack Benny. This has been posted by my good friend Laura Leff over at this site ( .org), but it is my work and I'd like you all to see it.

The Jack Benny Program  
Before the show starts, the Jell-O jingle plays.  
Phil plays "Hi-Ho Hi-Ho" while Don does an ad for Jell-O.  
Don: Jell-O is the perfect dessert. No matter where you are, there is always time for Jell-O. There are all different types of Jell-O so you will never get bored. These flavours are Raspberry, Strawberry, Cherry, Grape, Lemon and Lime. And not only that, but you can make all sorts of desserts too! You  
can have ice-cream, or chocolate pudding! No folks, there is definitely no running out! (The music stops.) And now, we bring you the man that only pays a penny on wash-day, JACK BENNY!  
Jack: Hello again folks, and Don, that was not a very flattering introduction. I only paid a penny because I heard it was on half-price!  
Don (while laughing): Well, I'm sorry Jack, but that's the way it is.  
Jack: Oh! Oh. Well just never do it again!  
Mary: Hello, everybody!  
Don and Jack: Hello Mary!  
Don and Jack start arguing again.  
Mary: Hello everybody!  
Don and Jack: Oh, hello Mary!  
Mary: What are you and Don fighting about, Jack?  
Jack: He complained to the audience about me only paying a penny on washing day!  
Mary: You're lucky that they let you get away with it! You wanted to only pay a shilling!  
Jack: MARY!  
Don: Then what happened?  
Jack: Please don't, Mary!  
Don: No, go on. What did Jack do?  
Mary: Well, Jack went up to the counter and asked how much the least expensive wash was and they told him that it was 25c. Jack said he would  
only pay 5c. So, they had a fight, Jack ended up with black eyes and the cashier ended up with 25c.  
Jack: Mary!  
Mary: What?  
Jack: That is only half-true!  
Don: What do you mean?  
Jack: I only got one black eye!  
(Don and Mary laugh.)  
Jack: But, if I ever run into that guy again, he's in for it!  
Mary: You wouldn't hurt a fly!  
Jack: Well, at least I'll try.  
(Phil arrives.)  
Phil: Hello Jackson!  
Jack: Hello Phil.  
Phil: What's wrong with Jackson?  
Mary: He's angry because the laundry man charged him 25 cents.  
Phil: Why?  
Mary: He only wanted to pay 5.  
Jack: MARY! Fellas, fellas, let's just let this go, OK? It's all over and done with!  
Phil: Ok, is everyone here yet?  
Jack: No, we're still waiting for Kenny. He's always late!  
(Kenny walks in, looks around and then walks out. He walks in again and does the same thing.)  
Phil: Jackson, I think that's Kenny over there!  
Jack: Oh! Oh, it is too. Kenny! We're over here!  
Kenny: Oh, hello.  
Jack: Kenny, why did you walk out?  
Phil: Yeah! Why'd you walk out on us?!  
Kenny: I thought I was in the wrong place.  
Jack: Well, Kenny, you're not. You're with us. This is not the wrong place.  
Kenny: Then why was Fred Allen staring at me out in the waiting room?  
Jack: FRED ALLEN?!  
Kenny: Yeah.  
Jack: I'll go talk to him.  
(Before Jack goes out to talk to Fred, Phil plays "Bye Bye Blackbird." After the song, we find Jack and Fred in the waiting room.)  
Jack: FRED ALLEN?!  
Fred: JACK BENNY?!  
Jack: Well, I'll be darned! Kenny was telling the truth!  
Fred: What are you doing here, Jack?  
Jack: What am I doing here?! What are you doing here?  
Fred: I'm auditioning!  
Jack: Auditioning? You already have your own show! I guess you can't hold up even one show!  
Fred: You're the one that needs to audition! You walked out and everyone already knew you were terrible! They also knew you were cheap!  
Jack: You're just the guy to play the villain in our play! Come on!  
(Before they get in the room, Kenny sings " As Sweet as a song")  
Phil: Jackson, are we doing a play tonight?  
Jack: Yes, yes we are.  
Phil: Good! Can I be the hero?  
Jack: No! No I'm the her-  
(Telegraph man (Mel Blanc) knocks at the door. Jack opens it.)  
Telegraph man: Telegraph for Mr. Benny! Telegraph for Mr. Benny!  
Jack: What is it?! I was just introducing the play!  
Mel: I know. Looks like you've got two black eyes to me.  
(Mel closes the door and leaves Jack standing there.)  
Jack: Well! Well, anyway folks, the name of our play tonight is...  
(Gong sounds.)  
The Wizard of Oz!  
Jack: We're a little short of female players, so some of you will have to play girls in this play... including you, Fred!  
Fred: Jack! You skin-headed cluck! I can't be a girl!  
Jack: Why- why not?  
Fred: For starters, I'm not one!  
Jack: Oh, that's a surprise!  
Fred: Well!  
Jack: Hey, that's my line! Anyway folks, tonight you Mary-  
Mary: Who me?  
Jack: Yes. You will be playing the part of Dorothy.  
Mary: Why did you pick me, Jack?  
Jack: We were short of female actors.  
(Mary laughs.)  
Phil: What's so funny, Mary?  
Mary: All of you will be playing girls.  
Jack: No, actually. I have hired Miss Eliza Haydes.  
Eliza Haydes: (She is very posh.) Hello.  
Don: Who is she playing, Jack?  
Jack: She is doubling as Aunt Em and Glinda the Good Witch of the East. Now, Fred...  
Fred: Yes?  
Jack: You are the Wicked Witch of The West.  
Fred: No, you should be!  
Jack: Why?  
Fred: Because you are a real witch!  
Jack: Well!  
Jack: Oh, we're running a little late, folks. Good night. We're sorry we couldn't do the play because we're running short of time, but... Fred, take that ugly look off of your face! What are you looking at me like THAT for?!

Fred: And you think my shows are corny! Huh!  
Jack: Well! Uh... Good night, folks...

Don: This has been The National Broadcasting Company. We have had Jack Benny, Mary Livingstone, Phil Harris, Miss Eliza Haydes and yours truly, Don Wilson. We are on the air for Jell-O.

(NBC chimes play.)


End file.
